Is this the most vacant piece I will probably ever publish on Top Knot? Yes. But chances are you’ve taken a few of those dim “What Kind Of Shoe Are You?” quizzes on Buzzfeed, so we’re all guilty of being dense here. Now that I’m no longer pretending to be a journalist (or educated for that matter), let’s get to a pressing issue:
Most restaurants around the world that are “the best” actually suck leaky asshole.
I’ve been to Per Se, perhaps the most famous restaurant in New York City and you know what I thought of it? PISH FUCKING POSH. Expensive, pretentious, tinyyy portions (like, first course is a pea, second course is a baby carrot type bullshit), and it wasn’t THAT good.
Save your damn money, go to Dizzy’s Jazz Club for the same view and eat a delicious burger while enjoying some live music. That is a fucking pro tip right there.
Let’s transition to New Zealand, now. The general consensus amongst travelers is that Queenstown is the dopest city in New Zealand. It is a gorgeous spot, surrounded by snow-capped mountains, and it also happens to be the adrenaline capital of the world.
So when I was asking around - family, friends, followers of TKT whom I have never met but love all the same- the one thing literally everyone said I had to do was eat a Fergburger.
Fergburger claims to be the best burger in New Zealand, and there is usually a line from the moment they open until the second they close. I’m not into hyped up places too much because I know it’s just that - hype. No one in New York City eats in trashy ass Little Italy (we go to Arthur Avenue in the Bronx for the best Italian food), nor do we eat stale ass cupcakes from janky ass Crumbs (we hop over to Two Little Red Hens and get the Brooklyn Blackout and eat the inside with a spoon). That said, I also thought it might be like Shake Shack - hyped up for a reason, because it’s BOMB.
The day I arrived in Queenstown, I dropped off my car (didn’t really need it as I was staying downtown), and asked the guy at my car rental place (born and raised Queenstowner) if Fergburger was worth the hype.
He gave me the same face I give people who want to go to Times Square - the face that says, “I don’t want to rain on your parade, so I’ll support you and I guess it’s an important thing for you to do while you’re here...but also ew.”
His verbal response was, “If the line is 15 minutes, try it. If it’s 20, not worth it. But make sure you also try Devil Burger a few blocks away - it’s better.”
So I went to Fergburger because the line was only 10 minutes! And I got some good vibes from this joint! Music was pumping outside, everyone seemed friendly, and the menu items had names like Bun Laden and Cock Cajun - how could I NOT love this place?!
I got a classic Fergburger with cheese because I’m a #basicbitch. I was immediately disappointed. The bun had sesame seeds on it which was a bit too Costco for me, a bit too "I'm a cheap ass but here's some fucking bird seed to look fancy"... and the meat. Oh my God the MEAT. WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO?
It’s like they killed the cow three times over and then they were like, “meh, another five minutes on the grill.”
Look. Any burger that is cooked more than medium rare is wrong. It’s literally fucking wrong. Says Anthony Bourdain. Says every person who has ever gone to culinary school. Says me - a chubby girl who lives in the food capital of the world. If you want to eat chewy ass super dead cattle, then ruin your own fucking burger, but don’t extra-extra-extra-extra well done mine, please. Everything about this burger was meh. Fifty shades of meh. I was starving and I still thought it was meh.
Because #vacation, I ate that whole burger and then moved on to Devil Burger hoping it would be better, and guess what guys?! IT WAS. No line, no sesame seeds on the bun, and the meat was cooked a bit more to my liking.
So look. I didn’t love my first Ferg experience and I really do think it’s waaaay overhyped considering how long that line can get, but I’m heading back to Queenstown in February and will give it another try. It is reassuring, though, that if Ferg lets me down, Devil will be just a few minutes away to save the day.
*If you’ve been to Fergburger in Queenstown and you swear it’s the best burger of your life, please comment below and tell me what I should be ordering next time!*
*For the record, the best burgers in New York (in my chubby-girl opinion) are at Long Island Bar on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn.*