A Weekend in London

I have been to London a few times and I openly embrace the twatty American cliche of “loving London.” I really do! I love the history and the rainy weather. I love the narrow streets and the abundance of homewares (I FUCKING LOVE HOMEWARES). I love gin! London loves gin! This place is great! They have shit coffee, but I am a forgiving lady.

Here were some of my favorites from my most recent weekend in London:

Cereal Killer

Fuck me, I’ve now lost half my audience. Cereal Killer Cafe, a ridiculously overpriced cereal bar (yeah, like breakfast cereals)  on Brick Lane, does not have the greatest reputation in London. It was recently attacked by anti-gentrification activists. Okay, yes, fuck gentrification. Fuck Crown Heights and Williamsburg where you can’t walk a block without running into either a cupcake or trendy asian sandwich shop. Fuck every Starbucks, everywhere. So why do I say this place is awesome?

Yo. Because I fucking like cereal and I fucking like kitschy niche stores. That’s my truth and I’m embracing it. The staff was kind, and I got to have a mix of my favorite childhood cereals which I don’t eat in adulthood because Diabetes is real. Fuck the haters, this place was off the hook.

Left: a homemade concoction called Unicorn Poop which is mostly sprinkles and marshmallow fluff. Right: Cinnamon Toast Crunch + Honey Cheerios

Left: a homemade concoction called Unicorn Poop which is mostly sprinkles and marshmallow fluff. Right: Cinnamon Toast Crunch + Honey Cheerios

Brixton Village and Market Row

Are you into dope ass markets with homewares (I FUCKING LOVE HOMEWARES), produce, jewelry, music, and most importantly, a shit ton of delicious food from all over this beautiful world? Awesome. Go down to Brixton and mouth fuck a pulled pork sandwich.

Gremio de Brixton

Lubricate those lips with some wine before you mouth fuck that pulled pork. Close to the market is Gremio de Brixton, a massive cellar bar in a church crypt. Beautiful wines and excellent cocktails (they also do tapas) in one big ass space.

Bermondsey Beer Mile

Note to any ladies looking to pull a well-dressed English lad: hit up these breweries. Do British chicks just like, not drink beer? Because there were very few women. Like maximum 7 chicks, including me and two girlfriends in a room of 60+.

Truth: I don’t fancy most British beers. I know that super hoppy beers, the kind that are quite popular in the States, are in fact a lot easier to make than a quality pilsner or a lager. But like. I fucking love obese amounts of hops. And mainstream British beers are just so...basic. The idea of a beer crawl in London didn’t appeal to me much at first, but it ended up being a fantastic day adventure! Several craft breweries turn into tap rooms on Saturdays only, and the beers were quite good. It’s actually a lot longer than a mile, and most of the breweries close by late afternoon, so choose your targets wisely. Here’s where we went:
 

Fourpure Brewing

One of the guys working the counter gave me 3 quid off because he liked my accent and another employee had a man bun, so I obviously love this place for the most trivial reasons. The beers were consistently solid, all with a similar sessionability but slight variations in herbal, floral, and resin flavours. Good sized space and seemed to be pretty popular.

Partizan

What they lack in ambiance (oof, that shit ain’t cozy which is fine because it’s a brewery, not a pub) they make up for with the Yellow Saison.

Eebria

Shout out to my homie in the yellow parka and newsboy cap. you do you, boo boo!

Shout out to my homie in the yellow parka and newsboy cap. you do you, boo boo!

This place is only ten feet away from Partizan and is the exact opposite: cool ambiance with tables and some games, but the beers are all just kind of okay. Super sweet man working the counter, though. LOVES beer and is incredibly knowledgable, without being a pretentious prick. I bet his name is Henry. Henry’s are always nice.

UBrew

when you're so happy to be somewhere. but also you want a nap.

when you're so happy to be somewhere. but also you want a nap.

Great sized space, perfect if you’re coming with a crowd. We got here at 4pm, so there weren’t many beers left and honestly I was pretty sloshed so I don’t remember them much anyway. UBrew is unique in that it is the only open brewery in London, meaning that anyone can come and brew their own beers in the facilities. They also offer courses, if you’re looking to learn the art of home brew.

Drink, Shop, Do

LOOK HOW CUTE THIS SHIT IS

LOOK HOW CUTE THIS SHIT IS

Near King’s Cross is Drink, Shop, Do, a cafe by day, bar by night, and homewares (I FUCKING LOVE HOMEWARES) venue that specializes in themed events. They’ve got quiz and trivia events, Beyonce themed events (ugh, this place is perfect), and adult coloring book events! We went on a Sunday for Unlimited Bubbles, Bloody Mary’s, Bagels, and Board Games and had a great time! I fucking love games.

UNLIMITED BAGELS, GUYS

UNLIMITED BAGELS, GUYS

I fucking love bagels (get the avocado and jalapeno bagel, trust a bish!) and I fucking love me some sparkling wine. Pro tip: Brits have absolutely no idea how to make a Bloody Mary so stick to bubbles when you're here.

Loo Tour

I’m not a big fan of tours, but I am a big fan of quirky shit. My guide, Lucy Loo (GET IT DO YOU GET IT?!) walked us around town while educating us on the history of the public toilet in London, as well as giving the inside scoop on free public toilets (tip - if you have to piss frequently, just make sure you have change on you, always.) The tour ends at a pub to drink more, but thanks to London’s open carry law, you can be like me and just walk around town with a glass of wine in your hand.

YOU ONLY DIE ONCE

YOU ONLY DIE ONCE